I learn something-new everyday.
I’ve just found out something new about myself. When either of my children hold their breath, I do too. It’s involuntary and just totally weird.
It sounds strange and irrational, but that is what I found out yesterday.
Let me give some background here:
Since Hannah has a tracheostomy tube to help her breath, she requires suctioning of that tube on a regular basis. To be graphic, a good ball of mucous can make it so she can’t breath through the tube. To suction, there is a machine that creates a vacuum and pulls air into a canister. Attached to the canister is a long tube about a centemeter in diameter. There are one time use attachments that are sterile that I hook into the tube and send down the tracheostomy tube. When I do this, besides removing all of the mucous and debris form her tube, it also takes all the air from Hannah during those moments. As a safety measure, I always hold my breath so I have an idea how uncomfortable it is. I can not take extra air because Hannah didn’t get a chance to. It is a great safety technique and I always keep in mind that Hannah lungs and capacity is even less then mine.
So anyway I’ve been doing this for about three years. Yesterday, Gabriel was trying to make me laugh. He gets these random ideas that certain things will be funny. So he holds his breath and hums with puffed out cheeks. Though I’m sitting there not copying him, I found myself holding my breath. He keeps doing it. Within about 5 minutes, I’ve developed a headache. I, at first, can’t believe it. I can just not hold my breath, right? I try to just breath; it doesn’t work. Every time he holds his breath ,so do I. It has become an involuntary response in me. So I place a book in front of my face to block watching him. He takes that as a challenge and dodges the book.
I start to get dizzy and a little queasy. I’m dealing with a child in super silly mode, and I’m stuck in some weird conditioning I’ve done to myself. I sit there trying to find a way out of the situation. I really try to not be unrational with weird demands, but my head had begun to throb. I look down at Hannah playing with her toys. I think to myself: do I want to break my self-imposed conditioning?
Internally I answer nope: I want that safety net. I want to be totally aware of what I’m doing with my child when suctioning. It is not a time to break this habit. So I coax Gabriel to sit next to me and try to explain things. I told him there was nothing wrong with him holding his breath, and then I tried to explain what was happening to me.
He interpreted that as he needed to cover his mouth. It still didn’t work, so I think I finally decided on distraction with a favorite TV show.
Parenthood can be so bizarre sometimes.
--Mom
